


I'm Repairing My Heart for You

by overcomingthedark



Category: Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D. (TV)
Genre: Angst, F/M, My First Work in This Fandom, but still kind of hopeful, inspired by a tumblr post, or tumblr gif set more accurately
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-03-19
Updated: 2015-03-19
Packaged: 2018-03-18 14:36:19
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,221
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3573308
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/overcomingthedark/pseuds/overcomingthedark
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>I should breathe a little bit softer<br/>Oxygen reminds me<br/>I lost her.<br/>I'm to blame for this disaster,<br/>I'm repairing my heart for you.</p>
            </blockquote>





	I'm Repairing My Heart for You

**Author's Note:**

> Inspired by this amazing gif set that gives me aaaawwwll the feels:  
> http://jmma-simmons.tumblr.com/post/106580896753/im-to-blame-for-this-disaster-im-repairing-my
> 
> Thank you times a million and one to notapepper for the beta! <3

_I should breathe a little bit softer_  
 _Oxygen reminds me_  
 _I lost her_   
  
Fitz muttered to himself, scolding his shaky hands and concentration. Staring at Sleepy, and the rest of the DWARFs sitting beyond it on the lab bench, Fitz sighed and rubbed his eyes, taking a step back. He couldn't ignore his exhaustion when he heard a soft voice in his ear, a gentle hand on his shoulder.   
  
"It's okay Fitz, just take a break."   
He spun around in aggravation. "Go away Jemma!" Fitz yelled, his accent coming out heavier due to the time of night. He pressed his pointer and middle finger to the bridge of his nose before bringing his hands down to rest at his hips. Fitz opened his eyes to the sight of an empty lab. He heaved a sigh of relief and thanked his lucky stars it was well past a reasonable time to be working. The whole base was asleep, as far as he could tell, and it suited him just fine. He groaned in response to his empty tea cup and determinedly turned back to his work.   
  
He'd thought that once Simmons came back, once they were speaking again (in some capacity), that _she_ would disappear. And mostly, he was correct. He interacted minimally with Simmons during the day, now spending most of it in the garage with Mack, and spent his sleepless nights in the lab. Fixing things was surely a better pastime than staring restlessly at his bunk's ceiling. However as it turned out, the lack of sleep and extreme quiet wasn't very conducive of his quest to eliminate the apparition. To Fitz, the woman who abandoned him at his worst and came back from Hydra a completely different person was referred to as Simmons in his head. It kept their relationship strictly professional. It also helped him collect up all the shattered pieces of his heart and lock them in a box somewhere deep down inside of him. A place where his battered pride, and even more bruised ego, sat too. They were kept separate from Simmons.   
  
But then Jemma came 'round when he pushed 4 o'clock and all his hurt and anger and utter despair welled up in him like a tidal wave. His lungs heaved and his chest constricted. He looked at her or even heard her and his previously believed 'shattered heart' swelled with a love that choked him. And it was always too much. So he pushed that dream away and stuck to his 4 AM reality.   
  
Most of the time.   
Almost all the time, really.   
  
But when Fitz was feeling especially tired or fed up, sometimes- very rarely- he'd let her stay. Just hovering in the background. He'd manage to get his asphyxiating emotions under control and enjoy the vaguely reminiscent quality of her presence. And he knew it wasn't real, the hollow pain in the middle of his chest told him just as well as his brain did. But for a second she was there. And he could think again. And the shaking in his hands paused for a moment. The two of them were suspended in an aching brilliance and it was searing and comforting all at once.   
  
And then his hand would shake, and the moment would be broken. He felt her presence wisp away like delicate candle smoke, sucked deep into the Playground's harsh filtration system.   
  
It was these moments, when he felt comfortable around her , that gave Fitz hope that someday in the not-so-distant future he and Simmons could work together again. _Be_ together again. As he stared at the DWARFs in front of him, a small smile worked its way up through his body and onto his face. He felt it pass through him, like a bright light working its way into all his dark places. It caused that lockbox where he kept his heart to rattle.   
  
And it hurt a little bit less everyday. Every time Fitz looked at Simmons, the pain was a little bit duller. She'd never be that Jemma again, he thought- the Jemma of his imagination. But, Fitz reasoned, he'd never be the Same Fitz.  And he realized now, in his early morning haze, that miraculously, he was healing.   
  
He took a deep breath and let the oxygen fill his lungs to breaking point. Air rushed out of him as he exhaled and rustled his papers, the small sound almost jarring in the silence that filled the lab. Moving as if the sound had spurred him on, Fitz took a step back from the lab table. It was time to finally sleep. He wasn't so afraid of his dreams anymore. Fitz inhaled and oxygen filled him once again. He smiled. His appreciation of the gas had increased exponentially in recent months. His thoughts turned to Simmons, as they generally did when the invigorating air came to mind. There wasn't any pain to be found. The embarrassment and hurt that usually flooded his mind were conspicuously absent. All Fitz felt was a hesitant fondness and a surprisingly strong sense of gratitude.   
  
They'd never find their way back to where they'd been. That FitzSimmons was a distant entity which neither of the two geniuses would ever find again. But there was something between them. It was there down under that fort. That day that everything went wrong and everything was lost but also the day she'd looked at him and _understood_.   
  
It was fragile and it was weak, but it was there. And it gave him hope. He would find a way to her, over the seemingly unbridgeable gap. He was an engineer. Impossible problems were precisely the type he was famous for solving.

***  
The halls of the Playground were as numerous as they were lengthy, and Fitz was cursing himself for his sleep deprivation as he wearily made his way back to his room. Passing by the kitchen was unavoidable, and made his stomach grumble in frustration. Contemplating exactly which kind of before-bed tea he would make himself, he didn't realize the kitchen was occupied until he was halfway through the doorway.   
  
Jemma- _Simmons_ Fitz tiredly corrected himself- leaned against the counter, back to him and head in her hands. He froze, unsure of what exactly to do. The dull glow of the microwave clock filled the space and Fitz could spot the rigid tension in her shoulders from meters away. He felt himself melt when she drew in a shuddering breath. She obviously hadn't noticed his presence because her exhale was a combination of a sob and laughter.     
  
Fitz turned, ready to leave, when he heard her sniffle and begin to shift. This was it. If he didn't leave now she'd catch him spying.   
  
Looking down at his almost imperceptibly shaking hands, he stopped the rising sense of disgust he felt in its tracks. In its place he grabbed hold of his conviction and felt his heart fight against that box with a little more power.   
  
He filled his lungs with oxygen and closed his eyes. He thought of Simmons, of her short hair and the tea she still made for him and her smile when they clicked and her tears when they didn't.   
  
(He turned around and walked into the room.)   
  
_I'm to blame for this disaster,_  
 _I'm repairing my heart for you._

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading! It was a big deal for me to finally post this, and I'm so excited to share it with y'all :) 
> 
> Thanks again to notapepper who is an ah-mazing beta and who offered to help right away AND helped me at 2 am instead of going to bed. As a lover of sleep-I understand and very much appreciate the sacrifice!
> 
> If you want to let me know what you thought, that'd be grand :D 
> 
> xoxo
> 
> ~overcomingthedark


End file.
